SO WHAT’S YOUR DAMAGE?

I am often asked if my decision to go into sex work is an act of rebellion against my strict upbringing.
It wasn’t.

Though I was born and raised in a Mormon household, I was naturally curious from an early age. I challenged myself to see different narratives about the beliefs that were fed to me. I learned from a young age that I didn’t want to conform to the expectations of others, but that realization came while living under an Asian mother who had concrete expectations of a “perfect” daughter.

My inclinations toward perversion started before I was able to understand it. Because I physically matured at a young age, I found sexual desires natural and comforting. I openly indulged in self pleasure at every opportunity (even in school or church) but was confused when I was punished for doing something that made me feel good. I didn’t understand why the urges I considered organic resulted in being shamed. Experiencing this shame led me to question why homosexuality, sexual indulgences, or revealing clothing made someone an immoral person. I wanted to find my own sense of self, what I thought was right or wrong, good or bad. Finding my own truth was liberation.

Why did we have to live within the expectations of others to be valued or loved?

I worked hard for approval by dedicating my free time to getting good grades, practicing piano, and living by the rules of the church. I lost my faith as a child but kept the façade of a true Mormon. At the same time, I abhorred the idea that my worth was based on how well I pleased someone else. It felt rewarding and validating to be praised for good behavior, even though I hated how it made me feel in other ways. Although I couldn’t clearly articulate these feelings growing up, they were always present. I felt deep frustration and coped with it poorly.

The manner in which I tried to learn about the world on my own was unhealthy and reckless. Like my self pleasure, I found gratification in being sadistic at a young age. I’ll admit that I did some horrible things and caused a lot of suffering to other people, including myself. After years of “self reflection”, I realized that I found resonation in pain and suffering when I didn’t want to feel alone. I recognized my mistakes, where they came from, and the desire to do better.

I know you saw how I put self reflection in parenthesis in the paragraph. That was totally intentional. I didn’t like the idea of seeking a therapist or talking about myself to someone so vulnerably. I thought psychedelics were a better choice. And obviously, cooler. I was fascinated with what I’ve learned during my trips and was convinced they were the answer to being a better person. My sexual experiences were surreal and the orgasms were epic. And not to mention, it was highly amusing. (I once found pure transcendence in a bubbling kiwi.) What was once a voyage to explore my consciousness and seek profound epiphanies turned into a clusterfuck of self harm, severe apathy, scary delusions, and disconnection. I was so far in my own bubble that I was losing my sense of the world.

It took a long time to register that if I wanted to be a part of this world, I had to create reasons to come back. Reasons for me to genuinely believe in. It is not easy. Already being a part time sex worker at that point, I decided I wanted to do it full time in a way where I could feel empowered, confident, and connected.  I wanted to carve a life I didn’t want to escape from and hope that one day, I can help others do the same.

I started my rediscovery of myself when I realized I needed to change, to grow during the time I was at my rock bottom.  I learned what it means to recognize myself, my suffering, my hard truths, and how to approach obstacles from a compassionate stance. My mistakes and experiences have pushed me to deconstruct unhealthy beliefs about myself and reexamine those pieces as a byproduct to rebuild myself, on my terms.

In my expedition of hard truths, I am carving new paths for myself. I am relearning, redefining who I am and what it means to find connection in my life. I am daring myself out of my comfort zones in hopes to find liberation and power in it. I never knew this was possible and I feel lucky to experience life in different angles and lenses through sex work.

My sense of adventure inspires me to show up for myself and for everyone who is in my life. I am genuinely fascinated with how much I have transformed by integrating what I’ve learned in this realm. I have found a sense of genuine peace and I know as long as I am on this path, there will always be more to learn.